Primitive Archer
Main Discussion Area => Around the Campfire => Topic started by: JoJoDapyro on February 21, 2015, 10:42:24 pm
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A couple of boys were bragging about how fast their dads were. The first boy said "my dad is so fast, he can shoot his bow, and run to the target before his arrow gets there". The second boy said "my dad is so fast he can shoot his rifle and run to the targed before his bullet gets there". The third boy starts to laugh. He says "my dad is way faster than that. He works for the city, he doesn't get off work until 3:30 and he is home every day by 2:30".
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LMAO:)
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How about this.so how many city workers does it take to hold up a shovel.none if you stab it into the ground but dont tell joe's boss that he might lose his job. :laugh:
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No Tyke, you can lean 2 shovels against one and other. And my boss works about 24 hours a week. He doesn't need to work 40, he just has me do his job too!
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Bartender decides to close early since it is a dead night. He hangs up the phone from calling his wife to let her know he will be home soon when two men walk in. Both order a a beer and a shot of Jameson.
The one fellow says, "Say, Oi recognize that accent. You wouldn't be from County Clare, now would you?" The other says, "Well, so it is, I am! Allow me to buy the next round!"
The second one asks, "Now you wouldn't happen too be from Coolmeen, that would be to great a coincidence!" And the first one says, "Saints will bear witness, but I am, sir! Allow me to buy the next round."
Now the first fellow asks, "It was Saint Catherines where you took first communion?" And the second one says, "With Father O'Malley himself saying the Mass, it was! May I buy the next round!"
The bartender goes over to the phone and calls his wife. "Sorry, honey, change of plans...it's going to be a VERY long night. The O'Laughlin twins are at it again!"
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What sucks is we pay for it. ;), and then make jokes about your Buddies that work for the government.
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It does suck if you have a sub par public works. Here is a video of what we do.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BksgLStmk6U (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BksgLStmk6U) I'm very proud of what I do.
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Not so much a joke, but a couple of expressions from my early days in electroincs test/repair.
"Finger trouble" e.g operator error.
"MBR" ... that's mended beyond repair >:D
Oh and graduates straight out of college...
They don't know which end of the soldering iron to pick up :laugh:
Del
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Hay Del:
Did you ever hear this:
Question: What are the insides of electronic components made of?
Answer: Smoke. If you let the smoke out they don't work anymore.
Used to be a "bench" technician back in the mid 80's.
It has all changes so much now I cant even tell what most of the components are.
David
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You know you're a blacksmith if...
your boogers are black
your shirt is full of holes
you're hearing impaired
you shave less than twice a week
it's no big deal when you catch on fire
you don't know your shop dog's real color
your grandfather wasn't a blacksmith
you never charge enough for your work
you stand around a fire when it's 100 degrees in the shade
the dog in the scrap yard doesn't attack you
one of your arms is bigger than the other
it rains coal dust when you scratch your head
"horseshoeing" means scaring them away
your idea of a family vacation includes a tool sale
you're happy to get coal for Christmas
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You know you're a blacksmith if...
your boogers are black
your shirt is full of holes
you're hearing impaired
you shave less than twice a week
it's no big deal when you catch on fire
you don't know your shop dog's real color
your grandfather wasn't a blacksmith
you never charge enough for your work
you stand around a fire when it's 100 degrees in the shade
the dog in the scrap yard doesn't attack you
one of your arms is bigger than the other
it rains coal dust when you scratch your head
"horseshoeing" means scaring them away
your idea of a family vacation includes a tool sale
you're happy to get coal for Christmas
several of those describe welders pretty accurately too >:D
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You know you're a blacksmith if...
your boogers are black
your shirt is full of holes
you're hearing impaired
you shave less than twice a week
it's no big deal when you catch on fire
you don't know your shop dog's real color
your grandfather wasn't a blacksmith
you never charge enough for your work
you stand around a fire when it's 100 degrees in the shade
the dog in the scrap yard doesn't attack you
one of your arms is bigger than the other
it rains coal dust when you scratch your head
"horseshoeing" means scaring them away
your idea of a family vacation includes a tool sale
you're happy to get coal for Christmas
several of those describe welders pretty accurately too >:D
And if you gotta use a grinder to clean up your welds, you're a grinder, not a welder!
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Not a joke but when you get a new guy on the Drill Rig you always send him searching for Pipe stretchers, sky hooks, and other fun things someone can come up with.
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Left handed screwdrivers, metric 9/16" wrench, striped paint (not the cheap two-tone stuff), muffler bearing grease, blinker fluid...
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When we had boilers we would send new guys to the maintenance department to ask for a bucket of steam.
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When I did emissions testing we would sent the new guy to the auto parts store next door for a box of hydrocarbons. We would tell the new dishwashers that the extra plates were in the.basement, and it was located under the corner booth.
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What's an engineer's best birth control? His personality.
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What's an engineer's best birth control? His personality.
oh that's good!
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Hay Del:
Did you ever hear this:
Question: What are the insides of electronic components made of?
Answer: Smoke. If you let the smoke out they don't work anymore.
Used to be a "bench" technician back in the mid 80's.
It has all changes so much now I cant even tell what most of the components are.
David
Yeah, it's not like it used to be... I hate all the surface mount stuff with a passion >:(
How are you going to get the next generation of kids playing with electronics if it's all damn surface mount?
I remember way back I worked at Raytheon in the UK. They'd always get the new guy by blowing cigarette down a length of sleeving and up into the unit he was working on ;D. Or just creep up behind someone working on a high voltage radar power supply and then clap loudly ;D Gets 'em every time.
Good times.
Del
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What's an engineer's best birth control? His personality.
oh that's good!
Not really >:(
Accountant maybe... real engineer... Nah.
Del ;)
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Not a joke really and was a real part of my life for many years, Jeff Foxworthy said, "You might be a Skydiver if you look up to the sky and see holes instead of Clouds"! Still do that to this day! Joe
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Inpatient psych:
Everyone's crazy here. Then there's the patients.
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I'm a barber and my favorite saying is " I charge the same for a good haircut as I do for a bad one"
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Back in the day (66/67 riots), Heuy Newton, Panthers etc. when "pig" was common term. Me and my friends on the Department wore gold plated Pig tie-tacks.....the saying was " I aint no pig I'm a pure-bread, registered Truffel Hound" Guess ya would have to be there
rich
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Inpatient psych:
Everyone's crazy here. Then there's the patients.
LOL
How many Psychiatrist's does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one. But the light bulb has to--- want to change.
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When i worked construction we would send the new guys after the board stretcher. The new guys at my factory get sent to the basement(we dont have one) after the "Micro-Genetic Torque Wrench" lol... Brian
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When I got my first job my dad warned me about that kind of joke. They sent me after the jumper stretcher(telephone stuff). I went to the coffee room and poured a cup. They called me a smartass ;D
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As a teacher I have heard this one several times.........
What do you call a basement full of teachers?
A "whine" cellar.
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When I was a dental tech, the saying was, "If it doesn't fit, polish the hell out of it!" As far as Psychiatrists go, I have always believed the only way to tell the them from the patients, is they were the ones with the pens in their pockets. When my Brother was in the Fire Department, there was a guy who they called Chicken Lips, because he went into the local market where they bought food for the station, and the store sold a lot of ethnic foods, like chicken feet, etc. So there was a new girl behind the counter, and he asked her for a pound of chicken lips. She gave him the deer in the headlights, look, and went back to the manager, and asked if they had any chicken lips, and asked her who wants them, and she told him the guy from the FD. He looked out, and said, oh never mind him, that's Bill, tell him, we are out, and won't have any in till Tuesday. So she did. A Friend of mine gave a poor waiter, and bar tender a moment of confusion, when the waiter asked us if we would like to order an adult beverage, and he replied, yes, I would like an Aqua Chiller. The waiter, went with the deer in the headlights, but wrote it down, and came back a few minutes later, and said the bartender, hasn't ever heard of that drink either, and could not find it in the mix book, and would like to know what the ingredients are. So my buddy, says, well you take a glass of ice, and fill it with water, and the waiter writes it down, and said , OK, and then what, and my buddy says that's it, then the big sucker look comes over waiters face, and he finally starts to laugh also.
Wayne
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Navy aviation. ..
I need 20 feet of flight line!
Go get me a bulk head remover
I need a pad eye puller
get the keys to the airplane from the skipper, he had it last.
concrete welding rods,
50 feet of fallopian tube.
bucket of steam
bucmet of compressed air
swimming pool, bowling alley, and McDonald's are at the bottom of the ship by the pool hall.
Collect a trash bag of jet exaust please for analysis. ( guy stands behind jet wkth giant freaking bag blowing in the wind )
new pilots who need attitude adjustments. Mechanic to pilot: ease test sound powered telephone on aircraft. Pilot: where? Mechanic: pull tube from between your feet on deck and speak loadly and clearly. Pilot: test test. Mech, not load enough sir, please place tube to mouth and speak. Pilot obliges. Mechanic satisfied walks away.
Joke? We dont have sound powered telephones on aircraft. We do have piss tubes for bladder relief in flight.
It only takes a GED to fix what a college degree broke.
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Ha my Dad used to ask for chicken lips too. Was always good for a laugh. I once had a tool saleslady trying to find me a metric adjustable wrench. She said there is no such thing. I said yes there is, even says so on the side of the wrench. so she spent a week looking for one.
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Since we're including pranks...
As a lowly Expediter and food runner at a restaurant, I found a couple ways to humble fresh college waitresses with more attitude than sense.
One I told to go "upstairs" for a spare ice bucket at the one story restaurant. She wandered around for 20 minutes and even climbed the ladder to the roof hatch before asking anyone for help.
I told another to empty the hot water from the Bunn coffee maker at the end of the night. 10 minutes at the hot water tap and she was still waiting for it to finish.
...
Here at the hospital I put apple juice in a specimen cup.
"Nurse, this is ready for the lab"
"No one ordered that. You can get rid of it."
I chugged it. Their reaction was priceless.
But as an arborist, we didn't really joke on the job site. Something about being 60 feet up a tree and dropping 200 pound pieces takes the humor out of things
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Being a Doctor of do-do there's not a lot of jokes that I can put on here. We separate the floaters from the sinkers ,your sh(crap) is my bread and butter. Don't eat the tomatoes and don't blow on the beach whistles :o.
The ol' turd herder himself ,Bone pile
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Being a Doctor of do-do there's not a lot of jokes that I can put on here. We separate the floaters from the sinkers ,your sh(crap) is my bread and butter. Don't eat the tomatoes and don't blow on the beach whistles :o.
The ol' turd herder himself ,Bone pile
You forgot "smells like money"
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Years ago one of my cousin's pulled a good one on someguys he was working with.
He was just out of highschool and started a construction job working on a large school site.
His coworkers gave him a board about about 6' long and about 8" wide.
They told him to go find the "Board Stretcher" and make the board at least 8' long.
He took a marker and wrote all these instruction on the board.
Little did they know that his Dad was a Master Carpenter.....
My cousin took the board and walked off
He found a table saw that was not being used and cut the board corner to corner.
Slid the two halves lengthwise so the length of the board was now much longer.
Rejoined the boards with glue and biscuit joints and cut the ends square and to 8' long.
The board was now only about 5" wide but it was 8' long.
He walked back the work site and layed the board down "with his original instruction still written on it".
He said they were dumb-founded.
David
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Ridgerunner, he owned them.
I worked at a company making high end wood windows and doors. We sent a co-op student for the wood stretcher. Told him it was in the basement. He walked around for 15 minutes without asking anyone else before coming back to ask where the stairs were. We told him in the boiler room. He was gone another 5 or 10 minutes then comes back say he cant find them. We kept big boxes of weatherstripping in there and they were usually piled in a big mess in the corner. Told him there was a trap door in the back corner, he says theres just boxes there. Oh man, thise guys left a mess again! You gotta dig under those boxes! Off he goes again... Boss comes by says wheres the new student? We couldnt talk we were laughing so hard - he just walks to the boiler room and yells get out here!
Worked at an auto parts factory in school we used to sent guys for the spot weld remover...
My buddies and I were at Hooters once and noticed on the back of the menu it said if you cut the menu in strips and rearranged it it would give you the secret meaning of Hooters. So my buddy points it out to the waitress and asks her if she knows. She says no hold I'll check. Goes and asks the cook. He just looked over at us and shook his head. At least she was pretty.
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In Utah you go to hooters for wings, anything else and your wasting your time. >:D
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When my son was younger I sent him to the dock on the lake to pick up 2' of shore line, just to keep him busy for awhile.
When I was on patrol and would write an occasional traffic ticket, every once in awhile the person would ask me if I got my "quota" and I would tell them that they lifted the quota and we could write as many tickets as I wanted to.
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I'm a barber and my favorite saying is " I charge the same for a good haircut as I do for a bad one"
My wife is a hairstylists, and while this isn't really a joke, its a fun brainteaser that she likes to ask:
There are two hairstylists in town. One has great hair, the other has terrible hair. Which one would you go to?
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I'm a retired USAF Weather Tech. I don't need to tell the jokes, you all have told them already, time and time again.
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Weather tech? As in meteorologist? I wanna know how they can be wrong 90% the time and still be considered experts.
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Weather tech? As in meteorologist? I wanna know how they can be wrong 90% the time and still be considered experts.
>:D Just like politicians, just not paid as well.
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Years ago I was an outboard mechanic on Hilton Head Island. In those days many of the motors we worked on had points and condensers. The guy that taught me used to get a kick out of charging up a condenser, laying it on a work bench then asking someone to go get it for him. When you grab the condenser you short it out and receive about 10,000 volts; not enough amperage to actually hurt you but it would make your arm go numb. He always thought that was so funny. ???
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Back in the day my high school Agriculture teacher would take groups of us to his cabin for deer season, usually freezing cold. It had no electric or water just a spring house. He would send one of the freshman rookies out to the spring house, in the dark,with a bucket and a pipe wrench, would tell them the wrench was to be used for a pump handle. When all they had to do was dip the bucket in the spring pool. Was pretty amazing how long some of them would stay out there, not wanting to come in and ask where the pump was.
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When my son was younger I sent him to the dock on the lake to pick up 2' of shore line, just to keep him busy for awhile.
When I was on patrol and would write an occasional traffic ticket, every once in awhile the person would ask me if I got my "quota" and I would tell them that they lifted the quota and we could write as many tickets as I wanted to.
The blonde gets pulled over doing about 20 over the speed limit, quick check in the mirror to see if her makeup is good and she rolls down the window. She dutifully hands the officer her license and proof of insurance. While he is working this, she starts working on him, batting her eyes and flipping her hair. She finally says, "So...I hear you guys don't give tickets to young pretty girls, right?"
He says, "Yes, ma'am, that is true. Sign here."
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No. not a Meteorologist, they have degrees. We just had months of training. Kinda had a saying, your only as good as your next forecast. You can get 100 right in a row but blow the next one and that's all people remember.
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My favorite oxymoron - "An accurate forecast." Bob
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C'mon... they are waaaay better than economists who are merely experts in explaining why they couldn't see it coming.
Del
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My first "real" full time job was I guess kind of an odd one; rain gutter installer. I was 19 and worked for a newly started company run by a loud, larger than life character who was a dead ringer for Peter Falk (anyone remember "Columbo"?) I was employee number four, the rookie, and low man on the crew. Yeah, I was sent to get the sky hook, the aluminum stretcher, the "left handed" B elbow ("Nah, that ain't it. The seam's gotta be on the other side. Go look again.") and on and on. Except for our boss who was in his mid-30s, we were all around my age and it was an informal shop to say the least; work hard, play hard. My job interview was two questions: "You like girls?" Aced that one. "You smoke pot?" Ah, well...plead the 5th on that one. Hey, I was 19 and it was the early 1970s. Everyone got a nickname. Our lead guy was "Ace", number two was "Studly Do-Wrong" and he gave me mine; "Greg Baby" or GB for short, I guess because I had long hair and he figured I was a hippie or something. Maybe I was, but I was a working hippie. :)
The first time that the job site (for me at least) was one of those big three story Victorians ("Wait...you want me to climb up there?!") I was heartened by the boss' words of wisdom.
"Don't worry, the fall ain't gonna hurt ya. It's the sudden stop that does ya in."
My buddies back in the neighborhood had fun with my new profession. "Spent the day layin' in the gutter again, didn't ya?" "Hey, get your mind outta the gutter." It's good to have friends.
I did that type of work for about 15 years, although I only worked for that first company for two of them. Most fun place I've ever worked. I don't usually look back to those days, but if I do it always makes me smile.
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No. not a Meteorologist, they have degrees. We just had months of training. Kinda had a saying, your only as good as your next forecast. You can get 100 right in a row but blow the next one and that's all people remember.
a saying I teach the new guys at work is"You can be right 100 times and no one will remember, but if you are wrong once they never forget". People come into my line of work from the private sector quite a but, and we in government do things a lot different. We don't get paid by the job, but by the hour. Make sure you do it right the first time, or you will be back doing it again!
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I'm a retired USAF Weather Tech. I don't need to tell the jokes, you all have told them already, time and time again.
Always figgered the Air Force was the smart place for the low guys on the totem pole....load the bombs and fuel on the plane, salute sharp, and say, "Have a good day at the war, sir! Come home in one piece!"