Jokes about your profession.

[caveman2533]

Ha my Dad used to ask for chicken lips too. Was always good for a laugh.     I once had a tool saleslady trying to find me a metric adjustable wrench.  She said there is no such thing. I said yes there is, even says so on the side of the wrench. so she spent a week looking for one.

[Olanigw (Pekane)]

Since we're including pranks...

As a lowly Expediter and food runner at a restaurant, I found a couple ways to humble fresh college waitresses with more attitude than sense.

One I told to go "upstairs" for a spare ice bucket at the one story restaurant.  She wandered around for 20 minutes and even climbed the ladder to the roof hatch before asking anyone for help.

I told another to empty the hot water from the Bunn coffee maker at the end of the night.  10 minutes at the hot water tap and she was still waiting for it to finish.

...

Here at the hospital I put apple juice in a specimen cup.

"Nurse, this is ready for the lab"

"No one ordered that.  You can get rid of it."

I chugged it.  Their reaction was priceless.


But as an arborist, we didn't really joke on the job site.  Something about being 60 feet up a tree and dropping 200 pound pieces takes the humor out of things

[Bone pile]

Being a Doctor of do-do there's not a lot of jokes that I can put on here. We separate the floaters from the sinkers ,your sh(crap) is my bread and butter. Don't eat the tomatoes and don't blow on the beach whistles .
The ol' turd herder himself ,Bone pile

[osage outlaw]

Being a Doctor of do-do there's not a lot of jokes that I can put on here. We separate the floaters from the sinkers ,your sh(crap) is my bread and butter. Don't eat the tomatoes and don't blow on the beach whistles .
The ol' turd herder himself ,Bone pile

You forgot "smells like money" 

[RidgeRunner]

Years ago one of my cousin's pulled a good one on someguys he was working with.
He was just out of highschool and started a construction job working on a large school site.

His coworkers gave him a board about about 6' long and about 8" wide.
They told him to go find the "Board Stretcher" and make the board at least 8' long.
He took a marker and wrote all these instruction on the board.

Little did they know that his Dad was a Master Carpenter.....

My cousin took the board and walked off
He found a table saw that was not being used and cut the board corner to corner.
Slid the two halves lengthwise so the length of the board was now much longer.
Rejoined the boards with glue and biscuit joints and cut the ends square and to 8' long.
The board was now only about 5" wide but it was 8' long.
He walked back the work site and layed the board down "with his original instruction still written on it".

He said they were dumb-founded.

David

[dingas]

Ridgerunner, he owned them.

I worked at a company making high end wood windows and doors. We sent a co-op student for the wood stretcher. Told him it was in the basement. He walked around for 15 minutes without asking anyone else before coming back to ask where the stairs were. We told him in the boiler room. He was gone another 5 or 10 minutes then comes back say he cant find them. We kept big boxes of weatherstripping in there and they were usually piled in a big mess in the corner. Told him there was a trap door in the back corner, he says theres just boxes there. Oh man, thise guys left a mess again! You gotta dig under those boxes! Off he goes again... Boss comes by says wheres the new student? We couldnt talk we were laughing so hard - he just walks to the boiler room and yells get out here!

Worked at an auto parts factory in school we used to sent guys for the spot weld remover...

My buddies and I were at Hooters once and noticed on the back of the menu it said if you cut the menu in strips and rearranged it it would give you the secret meaning of Hooters. So my buddy points it out to the waitress and asks her if she knows. She says no hold I'll check. Goes and asks the cook. He just looked over at us and shook his head. At least she was pretty.
 

[JoJoDapyro]

In Utah you go to hooters for wings, anything else and your wasting your time. 

[JEB]

When my son was younger I sent him to the dock on the lake to pick up 2' of shore line, just to keep him busy for awhile.

When I was on patrol and would write an occasional traffic ticket, every once in awhile the person would ask me if I got my "quota" and I would tell them that they lifted the quota and we could write as many tickets as I wanted to.

 

[Slackbunny]

I'm a barber and my favorite saying is " I charge the same for a good haircut as I do for a bad one"

My wife is a hairstylists, and while this isn't really a joke, its a fun brainteaser that she likes to ask:

There are two hairstylists in town. One has great hair, the other has terrible hair. Which one would you go to?

[NimRand]

I'm a retired USAF Weather Tech. I don't need to tell the jokes, you all have told them already, time and time again.

[sleek]

Weather tech? As in meteorologist?  I wanna know how they can be wrong 90% the time and still be considered experts.

[JoJoDapyro]

Weather tech? As in meteorologist?  I wanna know how they can be wrong 90% the time and still be considered experts.

  Just like politicians, just not paid as well.

[Pat B]

Years ago I was an outboard mechanic on Hilton Head Island. In those days many of the motors we worked on had points and condensers. The guy that taught me used to get a kick out of charging up a condenser, laying it on a work bench then asking someone to go get it for him. When you grab the condenser you short it out and receive about 10,000 volts; not enough amperage to actually hurt you but it would make your arm go numb. He always thought that was so funny. 

[caveman2533]

Back in the day my high school Agriculture  teacher would take groups of us to his cabin for deer season, usually freezing cold. It had no electric or water  just a spring house. He would send one of the freshman rookies out to the spring house, in the dark,with a bucket and a pipe wrench, would tell them the wrench was to be used for a pump handle. When all they had to do was dip the bucket in the spring pool. Was pretty amazing how long some of them would stay out there, not wanting to come in and ask where the pump was.

[JW_Halverson]

When my son was younger I sent him to the dock on the lake to pick up 2' of shore line, just to keep him busy for awhile.

When I was on patrol and would write an occasional traffic ticket, every once in awhile the person would ask me if I got my "quota" and I would tell them that they lifted the quota and we could write as many tickets as I wanted to.

 

The blonde gets pulled over doing about 20 over the speed limit, quick check in the mirror to see if her makeup is good and she rolls down the window.  She dutifully hands the officer her license and proof of insurance.  While he is working this, she starts working on him, batting her eyes and flipping her hair.  She finally says, "So...I hear you guys don't give tickets to young pretty girls, right?"

He says, "Yes, ma'am, that is true.  Sign here."