eww. relationship thread..

[aero86]

yeah, i know it sucks, but im stuck. heres the cliff notes.

been with a really great girl for almost 2 years now.  pretty much my perfect girl. tall redhead.  great with my kids. ive been divorced for 4 years in october.  i have custody of my children.  i havent much thought about marriage, but i think its fair for her for us to discuss the future.  2 things, and i want you guys to tell me if im crazy.

id like for her to quit smoking before i think of getting engaged.

she wants kids, i have 2.  would you guys think it would be crazy of me to let her go if i dont want anymore?  it wouldnt be fair for her not to have her own, just because im done. 

[Hillbilly]

What if she demanded for you to stop making bows or something else? Relationships based on one person dictating what the other one can and cannot do don't usually work. If the smoking bothers you, find a non-smoker, don't go trying to make someone else into someone they're not just because you want them to be different than they are. That's not a relationship, that's a conditional dictatorship. And all it'll do is breed resentment.

[aero86]

im not demanding she change.  im just saying if asking someone to quit smoking before id be engaged would be too much to ask.  i know its hard to do, i did it myself and it would be for her health

[cracker]

If you ain't happy with her the way she is move on. I say this from 25 years of hard won experience. Sorry just telling it like it is.

[Justin Snyder]

Tell her how you feel and ask her to quit because you want her to be healthier. Don't add strings or rings to the equation. If she wants to quit because she loves you that is great, otherwise it is extortion.

[aero86]

i am happy with her, its just the one thing i think she could do for herself..

[Hillbilly]

She probably has a few things she could improve about you, too-but doesn't demand that you do them. I have been with a woman who smokes for sixteen years. Her mom is eighty-something and still smokes. And yes, it is too much to ask if it's a condition for a relationship. Sounds like someone has control issues.

[mullet]

 This started out not  for her health but because you would like her to. If she says ,no, then will you still live with her and withold the prize of engagement? I smoked 3 packs a day when my wife and I met. She never asked me to quit. I new she didn't like it but there was never any "deals". I finally quit 25 years ago and the only thing she said was the clothes smell a lot nicer. We've been married for 33 years.
   Sorry, If I was your girlfriend I would be out the door. She worked out alright for two years it seems. To me it sounds like to me you don't want the commitment.

[aero86]

not that i dont want the commitment.  she told me she would quit before she moved in with me.  shes told me 3 or four times she would quit.  i dont have control issues, i just dont like it when someone tells me something and doesnt do it. 

[zenmonkeyman]

My wife quit smoking for me.  Then she gained a bunch of weight and became miserable.  Then she took up smoking again, and kept the weight anyways.  And she's still miserable.  That's how it played out for us!

[aero86]

but i never said id give her an ultimatum, and i wont, cause its not the way i work.  its just a promise she has made me, that she hasnt kept on two separate occasions

[sailordad]

ok lets skip the whole quiting smoking thing,cause thats something she will onku succeed at WHEN SHE IS READY TO QUIT.
like the others said,she worked out for the last two years.so that might be something you will just have to learn to deal with.

now on the subject of "having more children"

in my opinion,like i said my opinion.

if she would like children of her own,and you said you were done having children of your own.
i think it would be selfish on your part to not let her have kids of her own.
but if you dont want anymore,it would be selfish of her to make you have them with her.

im not gonna say that you two need to split up.
i think you just need to sit down and do some real soul searching and figure out just exactly what you want from life at this point on.
if you cant see your life as happy without her,well then you may need to make some concessions and find that happy mid ground where the two of
you can be happy together.

who knows maybe you two will come to an agreement where you two end up happily married,with maybe just one more child (from the two of you)
and a non smoking wife.
lets face in this day and age every woman thats pregnant knows that smoking is very very very bad for the unborn baby  

see thats the thing about a well worked out relaitionship
you give a little to get a little in return.

jm2cw

good luck

[aero86]

thats really my biggest concern, because she doesnt smoke anywhere near my boys.  i just feel that ive had my fair share.  idk if i can keep up with another baby and 2 kids already!  i dont know how to approach her on this topic..  i care a lot for her, and would like to be with her, i just dont want to keep anything from her that she wants.

[mullet]

 It sounds to me like you have more issues than babies and smoking. You say you don't know if you can keep up with another baby and two kids, too? I remember my wife getting up with the babies at 3 in the morning more times than me. And when it comes to having kids, I'll give you a fact, unless you want to be a Monk, you have no control over that. If she wants a baby, she will have a baby.

[aero86]

i understand that, but with my first 2 kids, i was the one that worked, and got up with the kids.  my kids are 4 and 6, ive had custody of them for 3 years.  i think ive had my fair share of babies.  i dont have any other issues besides the babies and smoking.  i think i know what my limits are physically and monetarily.  i know that babies happen, my first two were that way.