Primitive Archer
Main Discussion Area => Around the Campfire => Topic started by: NTD on October 31, 2011, 04:26:00 pm
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I made mention on another thread that my wife and I were having some troubles. Some of the stuff has been going on for years, some of the stuff is more recently surfaced. I knew things weren't going well but I had no idea what to do because she wouldn't tell me, I knew she was unhappy but not why. I kept playing a guessing game and doing everything I could but I seemed to get the same reaction no matter what I did or didn't do. I must admit that the last 6 months I just decided to stop trying anything and see if it would prompt her to finally address it. Well that backfired. I asked her 2 weeks ago what she wanted. She answered with separation. That was really a blow because I felt like I'd never been given a chance to right my wrongs because I didn't know what I was doing wrong. I asked her to consider giving an honest effort to working on our marriage and communicating the problems she has with me and to follow that up with a chance for me to work on those things. She agreed. So we are working on things and airing out some laundry...Well damn, the poor woman has been bottling things up from 7 years ago, not necessarily things I did wrong but decisions I made for us that she is regretting and kind of holding against me now. Well we've got a lot of work ahead of us, I'm just happy to have a chance.
Might have been "too much info" for some of you guys but I figured I should explain that a bit. And it's also a bit of why I haven't been cranking in the garage on bows.
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Sorry to hear that Nate. Been there before myself. Keeping you both in the prayers.
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I hope it all works out for you. You're willing to work on it that's one thing in you're favor. Good luck. Ronnie
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i have no exerience with this stuff, but i truly hope the best for you two,
you'll be in my prayers
noel
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Im so glad you are trying to work things out. We will be praying for the best for you.
I must say I have been truly blessed. My wife is very good at communicating and not getting overly emotional about it.
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bows are fun but not improtant , rebuild your family , and my prayers are with you
ken
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AMEN to that Ken !
NTD if you are wanting counseling PM me ! I am associated with a couple of diff good groups , would be willing to find some on In your area that knows there stuff for you !
Put all your strength and efforts into it now while you can!
We are all praying for you !!
Guy
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You have our prayers and best wishes NTD.
-gus
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Hey Nate, I know the feeling. I was in a kind of reversed role relationship for years. I would talk about my feelings and she built walls. I tried everything from asking yes/no questions, open ended questions, I tried just sitting and listening, I purposely tried to pick fights hoping she'd get so mad she would say something-anything! Eventually I tried what you did, I waited her out. Anyone ever try to wait out a mad woman?!?!?
At the very end, my employer told me to use the counseling service that my benefits offered and I scheduled three marraige counseling sessions. She never showed up. Never expected to hear a board certified psychologist specializing in saving marriages tell me to cut losses and run!
You can count yourself lucky she is bringing up things from 7 years ago, she's talking. I wish you three all the best.
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Nate;
I'm sorry to hear this news but glad you two are at least gonna try to work it out. I've been married 34 years and came close myself two or three times. I told the marriage Counselor she was full of crap and that time I was right and my wife and started talking and straightened everything out ourselves. But I've been blessed to have a wife talk to me in a LOUD voice since then when I'm screwing up and sometimes she's right and sometimes we're both right. But the key to it I think is communicating and taking time in a busy schedule to do it and also be a good listener.
And, I read in Dear Abby a long time ago and this piece of advice has helped me out a lot, If you have a disagreement or argument, work it out before you go to bed. It'll save you both from being miserable till you do.
If I can help or you want to talk, you have my number, call me anytime.
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I feel you NTD. Know exactly what your going through. And you are right, be happy that you have a chance to work it out and that she hasnt "blocked you out and put a wall up" and is just done with the whole thing. So concentrate on the good in the situation and hopefully everything will work out and be better than before!! Believe me it can happen! Best of luck and ill pray for you guys
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Wow. Not an easy situation. I wish for a good outcome for you, Nate. Hang in there...it's worth the effort.
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Dont know if your the praying type but you are in my prayers.
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Nate,
In just a few days we have all witnessed a miricle on here. I felt pain for you and didn't know what to say when you posted that your wife wanted to leave. Now she wants to stay and work it out?!?! Brother that right there is a miricle.
I heard this once and I'm going to share it with you. When God joined Adam and Eve He healed their wounds in there sides and joined them as whole and healed. Yet we all come or have come into our relationships with wounds that have not been healed. Many times they have not even been addressed. It is hard to make a mariage work when both husband and wife come together wounded. That's where the communication, counseling, church or whatever it takes to make your relationship beautiful. Not just "make it work." God didn't intend for is to just make it work. We were created to enjoy the best. Nothing less.
As hard ad it may be at times we are commanded to love our wife above all else and to honor her. When you do that miricles happen and what you thought was not possible not only happens, but it's even better than before. Like Jimbob said. I don't know if you are a praying man, but that's what I know.
You do not have to be right. And your wife does not have to be wrong. But you do have to love and honor her. If you do that it will not matter who is right. I don't think you can do this. I KNOW you can do what it takes for you to make your relationship full of joy and love for you and your wife and your little one. Court her again. Remember back when you just wanted that first date and do the things you did that compelled her to say, "I do."
Most of all don't just try, but do. If it means you bid your farewells now, I would be happy for you knowing that you and your family were happily united in a loving relationship. Ken is right. And unfortuanatley too many times us men put way too many things and people above our wives. Sit down and make a list of how you spend your time. Your wife, child and work should be at the top. If they are not, then remake the list until they are.
I have known to many amigos that I grew up with that have not been given the opportunity you have been given and they are now single. Take this opportunity and blossom where you have been planted. Go back to being that young man that your wife picked as her husband. Invictous... Nate.. Invictous...
It takes a lot of courage and honesty to do what you have done. Now turn it into action.
am praying for you and your family.
Cipriano
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Nate the good news is, it ain't over and y'all still got a shot to grab the golden ring.
Lane
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Well put Cipriano!! Made me take a second look at some things.
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Good luck with that,hope it all works out for yall. :)
Pappy
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Best of luck, and hope things work out for you.
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I sure know the emotions you have felt, and probably then some! I feel like I've earned a doctorate in emotions, and have probably just scratched the surface. I was blind-sided in November 2009 when my wife of almost 25 years told me she wanted to "move out for a while and think". She swore there wasn't another man, but that proved to be a lie. We were divorced July 16th, 2010, and I tried to the very end to save our marriage...everything I knew to do! It has by far been the most difficult experience in my life. I reached depths I didn't know existed, and thoughts I won't convey here. To be honest, it is still a struggle every day, but I try not to talk about it much. I try not to communicate with her, except when necessary concerning our two sons. I still dream about her and our life together, like last night for instance. I don't know how to fall out of love with her, other than with time.
I am much better than I was, and have a great girlfriend in my life now. I haven't been able to give her myself fully due to not having given up the past yet. I think what I hate the most about it is our broken family, twenty five years of memories that are painful, and not being able to talk to her about our sons and memories of their growing up. I can never have that again!
You've received so much good advice. You have a wife that is willing to try and work it out, that makes for hope, and I do hope the two of you can make it work! You share so much, it is awful to cut that bond for ever!
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Sorry Nathen, that sucks. but as others have stated you still have her and she is willing to work on it. If you get discouraged just do as Cipriano says and remember why you fell for her. then think of your beautiful little girl and what it would be like only seeing her every other weekend and an agreed upon holiday. prayers to you and your family.
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Thank you all for the support and the prayers and the tidbits of advice, it means a lot and is not surprising coming from the PA family.
Cipriano, Good advice my friend and those are the goals I have set for myself, because I can't control what she does I can only do my part. As far as priorities, believe me, everything has taken a back burner, why do you think it took so long to get my trade bows done ;)
Greg, I'm so sorry to hear that, and I can only imagine a bit of the pain you must have gone through. I know how much it hurt to hear my wife say she wanted out. I can't imagine it on the scale you experienced.
One thing I know is that my wife is suffering a lot of guilt because of our daughter. She blames herself for my daughter's birth defect. Unfortunately my wife has a condition, unknown at conception, that did likely cause Mackenzie to have spina bifida. I can't begin to know what that would be like, and it seems no matter what anyone says or does she can't be convinced that she's not a horrible person and isn't "at fault". I see the pain she has, and I can imagine what it must be like to look at your daughter struggling and think every day "I caused that", I can imagine it, but I can't know it. My wife doesn't seem to think she is worthy of love. She even said when I asked her to stay that she didn't think anyone would ever try so hard to keep her. I try in every way I can to show her how much I value her and love her but I apparently haven't done a very good job at it. Although I wonder if you loath yourself how can you really accept love from another. I'm really hoping she will consider counselling or therapy of some sort but she has expressed several times that she doesn't want to expose her life to a total stranger.
Well thanks again for all the feedback and support guys I really do appreciate it.
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Nate, hoping for the best for you and your wife. It sounds like she desperately needs your love, but has convinced herself that she doesn't deserve it. Thing is, she does deserve it. You know that, we know that, and I pray that she comes to know it as well.
Best wishes.
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I'm sorry to hear of your struggle Nate. Our prayers are with you.
George
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Anyone that is married understands your pain! Prayers that things get easier. Communication is key and a good book worth reading is "The 5 Languages of Love" Good luck buddy.
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I wish I had some advice for you Nate, but when it comes to relationships I'm pretty clueless. Sometimes it surprises me that my girlfriend has put up with me for almost 4 years. It's pretty sad when she tells me the most romantic thing I've done lately is go outside to fart!! :o
But seriously, I hope that things work out for the best for all of you.