Mark Twain wrote a version of Lost Arrow's post, ...... it is better to be thought a fool, than to speak, and remove all doubt.
He also said never argue with an idiot, those watching can't tell you apart. Also something similar, never argue with an idiot, he will just drag you down to his level, and beat you with experience.
When someone was driving, and had an "Exciting" experience, "scared me so bad, I chewed a hole in the seat. He was so ugly, his mother had to nurse him through a knot hole in a barrel. So ugly, the Dr. told his mother she had twins, till he realized he was looking at his arse and face at the same time. So ugly he had to slip up on a glass of water. He had to pull the sheet over his head so sleep could slip up on him. She was so ugly, she'd make a freight train take a dirt road. So ugly, looked like she was shot through a forest of ugly trees, and didn't miss a one. So ugly his parents had to tie a steak around his neck so the dog would play with him. When someone was tall, a southern expression would " Boy he or she can wade some deep water!" Or as my Cousin (the one with the thick ham steak) used to say to his sister, who was short, "She's so short, she'd have to stand on a bucket to kick a duck in the a$$!"
If you thought someone was going to do something, or something was going to turn out a certain way......"I will bet you dollars to doughnuts"......More birds than you can shake a stick at...... Scottish......if you want to dance, ya gotta pay the piper. Meaning if you are going to do something you are going to pay for it.
If you've seen one you've seen them all. Southern.... Man if you get caught doing something like that, they will put "UNDER" the jailhouse! English...... meaning something is a bit difficult, or you are in a bind of some kind...... "It's a bit of a sticky wicket!" Two birds with one stone..... try that Hunter trapper.
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. Day late, and a dollar short. Naval term, of being real drunk..... three sheets to the wind. Busier than a one legged man trying to stomp out a forest fire. Feeling sore all over after working out, or laboring hard, I feel like I went to a hammer fight, and forgot my hammer.
Talking about someone not too bright....... That boy is as sharp as the lead edge of a bowling ball. or, Put his brain in a match box, and it would look like a BB in a box car! He's a few bricks shy of a full load, I don't think his elevator goes all the way to the top. His bread ain't done. The crust on his bread is a little thin. Someone who is a little strange...... He ain't wrapped tight. He's been standing too close to the microwave with his tinfoil hat on! And for something that looks like it might happen, If it don't happen, I'll eat your hat! For something amazing...... if that don't beat all......if that don't take the cake...... For something that made you mad, I was so mad, I could've eat fried nails!
...... Running around like a chicken with it's head cut off...... I haven't seen her for a month of Sundays......I haven't seen hide no hair of them...... I'll knock you into next year! For something difficult, or...... well, I can't say it on here...... but it applies to one of J.W's sayings, Anyway for something difficult, .......Harder than Chinese Arithmetic! When you don't know the answer to something,...... Beats my two aces. For someone who is a good salesman....... he could sell ice cubes to Eskimos Or W.C. Fields, You can fool some of the people, some of the time......and that's enough to make a decent living off of. OK, I will stop here. But wait! There's more!......
Pt Barnum....... Which WC was spoofing....... You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time. Also, a fool and his money are soon parted. Two wrongs don't make a right. Winning a war, doesn't decide who is right, only who is left. Cold enough to freeze the balls off of a brass monkey! Referring to brass square with round dimples in it to hold the cannon balls on an old sailing ship, so they could be stacked in a pyramid shape. But when the temperature dropped down low enough, the metal would contract, and the balls would fall off the brass monkey. He who farts in church will sit in his own pew.....
....... Sorry, it uh slipped out...... OK, on that ......high .....note...... I will stop for tonight. This is fun.....
Wayne
