Indeed a great video, and you simply cannot just watch a segment or two. Yeah, I forgot to include the Raccoons. NC, Do the video! And include tips on how to please, placate, and stay under the radar of the wife. Oh, and include the chocolate appeaser also. If you survive, you will have a winner of a video!
Oh, and include tips on surviving the "Dreaded Time" of the month too. Sort of makes you feel compassion and understanding, for the male black widow spider.
Are you going to use a stand in for the wife scenes?
How is your life, and medical insurance? Make sure all premiums are paid up, before starting the video. You might be able to get a grant, and tax deduction on the video also, as a research project. Oh, you might want to make this away from home, at a movie set, maybe in a warehouse, and then make two videos, one under your name, and the real video under an assumed, artistic name, sort of like "Eric Svenska" or Roy Mann, aka " the Man! Or Magnus McNaughton. That way, you can show the real wife, the fake video, and explain that the actors screen guild would not let you use your actual wife, and you had to agree to using an actress. Even though she was only 24, and would make Carmen Electra look like a dog, you had to go along with it.
Oh for the fake video, you can ask the "Wife" to give you some hints to include in the video, you can put in there for future husbands, etc. That will throw her off, the trail of the real video.
Then You can set up a separate bank account for the real video, and rake in the cash, and tell the wife, that you are going to take a friend up on a hunting trip, in Alaska, and camp out on the Tundra, and take turns at bear watch, and you would really like her to come along, as you will miss her for the month long hunt, and go on to explain as to the harsh environment, and the lack of being able to bring deodorant because of the scent, and the lack of plumbing, and toilet paper, etc, and your friend insists on cooking, and he likes to cook strictly primitive, no pots, or pans, or seasoning, etc. Ask her if she has ever eaten broiled, baked, or fried banana slug, or Grasshoppers fried in Walrus fat? Or raw seal? Or blubber? oh. Well that is his speciality.
Tell her you think it would be good for her to get out in the "real" outdoors......then when she vehemently declines, you can put on the velvet puppy dog painting face, and finally relent, that you will just have to go without her, as you have already sent your friend the money for the trip and he has finalized the plans...... Then, you and your buddies, can go on that trip of a life time, to Saskatchewan, and get those monster deer, and moose, and elk, etc.
Then as you rest up at the lodge, while showing the guys the picture of the stand in actress wife, and your shared dressing room, and the fantastic catering service that specializes in lobster, and fillet mignon, and caviar, and fine bourbon, brandy, scotch, and even wine, you can let your beard grow, and when you get back to your home town, you can go to the next town, and rent a motel room, and not take a bath, for a week or so, wear the same old clothes, and do lots of exercise, and get pretty rank, and then go home, and tell the wife, you had a great time, but it was really rough, and be sure to tell her about first fews days of the icy rain, and then tell her about how the wolverine got into the camp meat and peed all over it, and tore the place up, and tell her about the snow at the end of the trip, and how one of your buddy's friend's got his foot caught in a rock crevice, and broke his shin bone (Tibia) if you want to sound technical to her. They like that. Anyway, tell her how he wouldn't let you cut the hunting trip short, and stayed in camp till it was time to leave, and is reportedly doing pretty well after having to have his leg re broke to reset it correctly. Man you should have been there honey, you really missed a great time. Well except for the broken leg part and his constant moaning while we were trying to sleep. We almost didn't see the two Grizzly bears that came up to investigate the wounded animal sounds, especially when I got up to relive my self and accidentally stepped on his leg, man the sound he made!! I didn't have to go to the bushes after that scream. I did have to change pants though. Oh, and when those guys who live in a cave not to far from camp, came by said they had come by to warn us that they had heard a Sasquatch scream last night, and we should be careful, and that they also had to come to our camp looking for women, and we told them we didn't have any, they go pretty upset, luckily my buddy had cut his long hair,before coming on the trip, but they kept looking at the guy with broken leg, and asked how that happened, and we told them he tried to take an extra piece of fried slug, and we broke his leg. We were going to shoot him, but then being as how he was a good friend we decided to just break his leg, and in case he should get the idea of sneaking a fried slug during the night, while it was his turn on bear watch, we stomped his leg, so that he couldn't get over to the slug pile too easily, and that was probably the sasquatch scream you heard. So they kinda backed off, and went back to the cave. We are going again next year, can you make it then? Oh.....
Ok, well look, I don't want you to be bored while I am out having fun, it makes me feel kinda guilty, so next year, I will give you two hundred dollars, and you and your friends can go out, and have a nice Girls night out, and have a nice dinner together, on me. Well, my buddy has said I could have his trophy mounts, for the den, so they should be arriving here in a few months. What? you saw an advertisement about " my life as a husband " ? And it wasn't by me?! Who was it by? Some Swedish guy? Darn, maybe that is why my video never made it! Oh well, you can't blame me for trying. Maybe some day, I can come up with something that will make us rich......
Just think of the great hunting trips you can have without the nagging etc. Just don't forget to play it as being sad that she doesn't want to go hunting with you, and then plan a simple " just the two of you " camping Trip. But make the sure the weather forcast for the campground you want to go camping at, with no facilities, with just a pup tent, says sever weather, and possible flooding, and high winds, etc. Then when you go on your miserable primitive hunting trip, you can start looking crestfallen, and open your wallet and take out the two hundred dollars, and then look again, and say what the heck,you can do without that seal fat and caribou eyeball sandwich at the Inuit camp where you meet your buddy's, and just wait till you get to the camp site the next night, and have an extra fried banana slug. Your buddy has got a few extra this year. So what the heck, honey, here is an extra fifty, oh, don't share this fifty with your friends it is just for you, a very nice box of that expensive chocolate, and a nice bottle of wine, and a Harlequin romance novel, just for you and you alone, for being the exceptional wife that you are.......
Yep that should do it!
Wayne
